Between moments of dispensing wisdom, managing things
ecclesiastic, and occasionally intervening in world affairs, it seems
that earth's religious leaders had also learned computer programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained
for the last day's event: Jesus
and Mohammed. The judge described the software
application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start
writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines,
classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible
speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming
on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon
be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning f
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Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy
all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about
something.
Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't
give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise
in my allowance?
Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor,
My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every
week even if she has a cold.
With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father
as he returned from work, "Daddy, how much do you
make an hour?"
Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said:
"Look, son, not even your mother knows that. Don't
bother me now, I'm tired."
"But Daddy, just tell me please!? How
much do you make an hour," the boy insisted.
The father finally giving up replied: " Twenty
dollars per hour."
"Okay, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?"
the boy asked.
Showing restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled:
"So that was the reason you asked how much I earn,
right?? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore
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was a senior in highschool. I went to school half a day and then worked at the hospital as a nurses aid.
I was feeling so chipper that day at work. I had on a brand uniform.
It was a pink dress. I had a brand new pair of white hose and a brand
new pair of white nursing shoes on. I felt good. I felt crisp and
clean.
I was just going around thanking God for my comfortable shoes and nice uniform. I just felt all that.
As I began to make my rounds, I went into an elderly man's room. He
was supposed to be restrained so he would not get out of bed.
I stood at the end of the bed and asked my patient how he was doing. I
went to move and my foot went into something very slick. The next
thing I knew, I was on the floor and this stuff was on my leg. I looked
down to find that my patient had moved his bed over, done the
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"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holdingstone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline thatreads,
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with
red
letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated
with its own
message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to
sing at a church.
When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixedthe
outs
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Prayer is the key to Heaven, but faith unlocks the door. (Mosie Lister)
Trials are the food of faith.
No one is hopeless who hopes in God.
Little is much when God is in it!
Never try to carry tomorrow's burdens with today's grace.
We look upon prayer simply as a means of getting things for ourselves,
but the Biblical purpose of prayer is that we may get to know God Himself.
(Oswald Chambers)
Reading the Bible without meditating on it is like trying to eat without
swallowing.
God's love for us is not a love that always exempts us from trials,
but rather, a love that always sees us through trials.
God does not ask your ability or your inability. He asks only your
availability. (Mary Kay Ash)
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the
impossible!
Those who walk with God always reach their destination.
It is my hearts desire that I must be NO more, that He be KNOWN more.
(Saheed B. Olalekan)
Here is a note from Saheed: "This quote is my life statement. I arrived
at that after much prayer. I was once a Moslem. Now Jesus is in His
right place in my life. In Christ alone is it worth living.
God specializes in things thought impossible.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's
grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the
need of God's grace.
God not only orders our steps but He orders our stops.
Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?
Happiness is in Heaven, but the joy is in the journey
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be
the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big
deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To
not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing
everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance,
CD-ROMS, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll
their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic
school. Nuns. Daily mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day
of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and
white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured
out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they
were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son
when he returned home.
Kevin and Ryan, ages five and three, were waiting for
breakfast one Saturday morning. As their mother was preparing some pancakes,
the boys began to argue loudly over who would get the first one from
the griddle.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If
Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake. I can wait.'" she explained.
Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Ryan,
you be Jesus!"
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws
trying to enforce 10 commandments.
Here's a little humor under the heading of "Trustworthiness":
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He
walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with
gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for
a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."
A little boy was watching his new baby brother who was
crying full force.
"Where'd we get him, mom?" he asked.
"From Heaven," the mother answered.
The little boy wrinkled his nose and covered his ears
with his hands and stated matter-of-factly, "This is probably why they
didn't keep him there!"
This was a notice to inform the congregation about a PANTRY
PARTY for the pastor:
"Due to the fact that this is Pastor Appreciation month,
we will be having a Pastor Appreciation Party down at the white building
on October 31, 1999. Please bring a panty item so that we can build
up Pastor's Y2K panty for him and Edna. This is a surprise, so please
do not tell him. Sandwiches, cider and donuts will be served. Please
come and show the Pastor how much you support and appreciate him. We
look forward to seeing you then."
Debra Roberts, Mansfield, Ohio
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and
asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered
a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz,
states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue.
Tell me, Rabbi, is this cor
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One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter
what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll
get your quilts". Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".
Now it made sense.
A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and
thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said.
The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful
as the last sermon you heard me preach."
"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.
"Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three
months."
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible
to her brother in another part of the country.
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking
at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible
and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from
a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I
found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother
asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's
suit!!"
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached,
he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
b
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A minister was walking through the woods and came face to
face with a huge bear. He fell down on his knees and prayed, "Father,
please make this bear a Christian!"
While he was praying he heard a big "Thud".
He opened his eyes to see the bear right in front of him on his knees
with his paws held together as if in prayer.
The minister let out a sigh of relief, and then he heard the bear say,
"Father, bless this meal I am about to receive..."
A lthough things are not perfect B ecause of trial or pain C ontinue in thanksgiving D o not begin to blame. E ven when the times are hard F ierce winds are bound to blow G od is forever able H old on to what you know. I magine life without His love J oy would cease to be K eep thanking Him for all the things L ove imparts to thee. M ove out of "Camp Complaining" N o weapon that is known O n earth can yield the power P raise can do alone. Q uit looking at the future R edeem the time at hand S tart every day with worship T o "thank" is a command. U ntil we see Him coming V ictorious in the sky W e'll run the race with gratitude X alting God most high. ... Read more »
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from his bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom, and with
even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing
with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in Heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or, was
it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the
wonderous taste of the co
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At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished
the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
something I can't figure out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea. Right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again, you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians,
and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of
Israel were always doin' somethin' important. Right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "S
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One day, an atheist professor who constantly tries to disprove God stood
up on a podium in front of his class and said, "Today class I will
disprove God! If God really exists then he will knock me off this podium
within 15 minutes!" The professor then took his watch and started to
keep time.
...
"10 minutes to go God!"
...
"5 minutes to go God!"
...
Now a football player was outside the door and heard the teacher
counting. When he heard what the teacher was doing, he was furious and
waited.
"1 minute left! Well class as you can see there is no possible way that i will come off this podium no so your God is..."
At that moment the football player came charging in and tackled the
professor off the podium and onto the floor. Stunned the professor
stammered, "wh-where did you come from?!"
The football player smirked and replied, "God was busy so he sent me."
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and
8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I though you
said I had another 40 years?"
There once lived a vampire the legends say,
who couldn't stand blood in any way.
While others hunted and killed for delight,
this monster would hide, for fear of the night.
And when others drank from throats and fled,
this strange one kissed their necks instead.
And when the victims screamed their fears,
he'd talk to them, and dry their tears.
When monsters roam the streets at night,
this beastly thing would sit and write.
Stories and poems of love and pain,
written to those who have been slain.
Now no one knows why he did such things,
but legends say God gave him wings.
And to this day the legends state,
he stands outside, of Heaven's Gate.
So when you die and see him there,
go talk to him if you dare.
He'll kiss your cheek, and dry your tears
and wipe away, all your fears
There were two brothers,
8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever
went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in
it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing
about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested
to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father
agreed.
The mother went to the priest and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from him at a huge impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where
is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of th
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Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and
drew out A little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
If you know the Bible - even a little - you'll find this hilarious!
It comes from elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the
Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were
written by the children. they have not been retouched or
corrected(i.e.incorrect spelling has been left in.)
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's
wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.
3. Lot 's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like D
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