One day, an atheist professor who constantly tries to disprove God stood
up on a podium in front of his class and said, "Today class I will
disprove God! If God really exists then he will knock me off this podium
within 15 minutes!" The professor then took his watch and started to
keep time.
...
"10 minutes to go God!"
...
"5 minutes to go God!"
...
Now a football player was outside the door and heard the teacher
counting. When he heard what the teacher was doing, he was furious and
waited.
"1 minute left! Well class as you can see there is no possible way that i will come off this podium no so your God is..."
At that moment the football player came charging in and tackled the
professor off the podium and onto the floor. Stunned the professor
stammered, "wh-where did you come from?!"
The football player smirked and replied, "God was busy so he sent me."
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and
8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I though you
said I had another 40 years?"
There once lived a vampire the legends say,
who couldn't stand blood in any way.
While others hunted and killed for delight,
this monster would hide, for fear of the night.
And when others drank from throats and fled,
this strange one kissed their necks instead.
And when the victims screamed their fears,
he'd talk to them, and dry their tears.
When monsters roam the streets at night,
this beastly thing would sit and write.
Stories and poems of love and pain,
written to those who have been slain.
Now no one knows why he did such things,
but legends say God gave him wings.
And to this day the legends state,
he stands outside, of Heaven's Gate.
So when you die and see him there,
go talk to him if you dare.
He'll kiss your cheek, and dry your tears
and wipe away, all your fears
There were two brothers,
8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever
went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in
it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing
about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested
to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father
agreed.
The mother went to the priest and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from him at a huge impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where
is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of th
... Read more »
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and
drew out A little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
If you know the Bible - even a little - you'll find this hilarious!
It comes from elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the
Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were
written by the children. they have not been retouched or
corrected(i.e.incorrect spelling has been left in.)
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's
wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.
3. Lot 's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like D
... Read more »
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring
all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot
grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried
to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He
looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even
faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill
him.
