Kevin and Ryan, ages five and three, were waiting for
breakfast one Saturday morning. As their mother was preparing some pancakes,
the boys began to argue loudly over who would get the first one from
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If
Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake. I can wait.'" she explained.
Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Ryan,
you be Jesus!"
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws
trying to enforce 10 commandments.
Here's a little humor under the heading of "Trustworthiness":
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He
walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while
I go swimming?"
A little girl was given two dollars by her father. He
told her that she could do anything she wanted with the one dollar and
that the other dollar was to be given to God on Sunday at church. The
girl nodded in agreement and asked if she could go to the candy store.
With visions of all that she could buy with her dollar, she happily
skipped toward the store, holding tightly to the two dollars in her
As she skipped along, she tripped and fell and the wind
blew one of her dollars into a storm drain at the curve. Picking herself
up, the little girl looked at the dollar still in her hand and then
at the storm drain and said, "Well Lord, there goes your dollar."
During a sermon, the country preacher said to his congregation,
"Now let the church walk." Deacon Jones said, "Amen, let it walk."
the church run," said the preacher. "Let it run," echoed Deacon Jones.
Let it fly," said the preacher. "Amen, brother, let the
church fly," said Deacon Jones.
it's going to take money to let it fly, brother," said the preacher.
"Let it walk," said Deacon Jones, "Let it walk."
was talking to his farmer friend, and he asked the farmer, "If you had
one hundred horses, would you give me fifty?" The farmer said, "Certainly."
asked, "If you had one hundred cows, would you give me fifty?" The farmer
the pastor asked, "If you had two pigs, would you give me one?" The
farmer said, "Now cut that out, pastor; you know I have two pigs!"
A family sat down at the dinner table following church
"The sermon was boring today," said the teenage son.
"Yeah, could you believe how the pastor stumbled over
the reading of the Scripture?" his sister chimed in.
"I've got to admit it was an uninspiring day," said Mother. "The choir
Finally, father, showing his leadership, said, "Hush,
you guys. Quit complaining. What did you expect for a quarter?"
Many believers don't see the importance of regular church
attendance. Members of Northend Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Seattle
received a special announcement in the mail, listing the many things
that will be done for them at church on the following "no-excuse-to-stay-home-Sunday."
According to the pastor, cots will be available for those who say Sunday
is their only day to sleep in. Eye drops will be supplied for those
who have red eyes from watching late Saturday night TV shows. There
will be steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they
ever went to church, blankets for persons who think the church is too
cold, fans for those who say it is too hot, scorecards for those wishing
to list all the hypocrites present, TV dinners for those who can't go
to church and also cook dinner.
Finally, the sanctuary would be decorated with Christmas
poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church
A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon
asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation's
"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them." the older
man said, "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent
in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger
man's shocked expression before adding, "She was my mother."
The next Sunday the young clergyman nervously clutched the pulpit rail
in front of the congregation. Finally he said, "Some of the best years
of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." He was pleased at the
instant reaction-then became panic-stricken. "But for the life of me,
I can't remember who she was!"
The frenzied activities of Christians have made someone
revise the old nursery rhyme to read (sorry but Baptist was in the original
version - you can substitute whatever name you wish):
had a little lamb
given her to keep
then it join the Baptist Church
died for lack of sleep
A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother:
"Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!"
Mom: "God's not deaf, son.
Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's hard of
"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds
of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning
and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
"Too many Christians are no longer fishers of men but
keepers of the aquarium."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you
a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull
over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister
said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go
thou and sin no more."